So I talked to my Dad the other day on the phone. After catching up for a little, our conversation went something like this:
Dad: “So, did you get my email?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Dad: “And are you going to change it?”
Me: “Probably not, but I’ll think about it.”
Dad: “Well you know son, [goes on again about how employers might see it blah blah blah].”
Me: “Dad, well honestly the jobs that I’m applying to now really won’t care about it.”
Dad: “Well, okay. But you know it shows up on Facebook for a lot of people, so you just need to be careful. You know, people in the Philippines might even see it.”
And that’s when it hit me. All of a sudden it wasn’t a laughing matter anymore. This was simply a continuation of what has been and what will always be an ongoing struggle of discomfort and disapproval from him. Particularly when it hits close to home, and the fact that he might be embarrassed that now relatives might find out.
And right now it’s a mere PICTURE. What happens when I bring Jon home to a family party? And in the very very distant future, when I’m really serious about a boy? Want to get married? Have kids? Will my Dad be there for me? Or will he continually skirt the issue?
Then it made me think again. No matter how successful I am in the future, my identity will still be considered “unnatural.” It may bring “hiya” [shame]. People will always talk behind my back. And I may be “the one who worked in the White House,” but I’m still and will always be “the gay one.”
And I realize it’s a process. It’ll be a continuous back-and-forth with my Dad, but as long as I remember that I’m fortunate to have loving and supporting friends, an amazing boyfriend, and the clarity that I don’t want to be anyone else but myself, then I’ll stay strong through it all.
In the end, I decided to change my profile picture. Not because I finally cracked under the pressure, but because sometimes my Dad just needs the simple reminder that being gay won’t change who I am as a person, what I’ve done, and how successful I can be in the future.
